When I looked at my reflection in our dirty bathroom mirror, one that I said I would clean weeks ago, I was staring at someone I didn’t recognize. Damaged hair, raccoon eyes, oily skin… I had never swam this far into the ocean before I became a mom. When my feet relied on the very tip of my toes to find its way back to shore, the struggle was quickly washed away with the current and seashells. It was much different this time – I drifted off into sea, far enough that I had no choice but to ask for help. Admitting that I needed a shoulder to lean on was the most difficult part in getting it started. I feared the judgement stemming from my daughters eyes. If nearing perfect was the outcome of all this pandemonium, my daughter would know that I did this all for her.
The morning of my appointment made its way around, but I still wasn’t feeling positive about pushing myself to speak up. I was embarrassed to talk about my ways of parenting. I knew that I was alone in this ugly battle… one that I wanted to face by myself… one that I thought I could handle by myself. The pressure to fight against my inner demon was becoming a priority over my daughters needs. I cuddled her during each nursing session, every nap. But I wasn’t truly there as her mom. I wasn’t giving her my all, and I wasn’t showing her the strength I gathered in preparation of becoming a mother. Everything I had worked so hard to become had vanished before my very own eyes. It was within reach, I could almost touch it. But the strain against my chest impacted not only me, but on my family as a whole.
In a waiting room full of patients, I managed to find a chair secluded from the rest. My daughter was wiggling her body in a motion to break free from her straps. I silently begged her to stay put, because the fear of judgement was making another round. Not only was I afraid to be a mom in general, but being out in public made my skin crawl. I could almost see the germs marching their way to my daughters hands. My usual anxieties attacked me right there in that office, except they became much worse from the day my daughter was placed in my arms for the very first time. I started sweating in places I wasn’t used to and my stomach ached with disgust. I was terrified of the impressions being made against me, but there I sat… judging every soul in that room like it was my job. Sickness was in the air, personalities were acting out. Anything that just didn’t seemΒ normal made me worry that my daughter was being exposed to something I couldn’t erase from her little mind. I didn’t have that right – making assumptions about people I didn’t even know.
So why was I so afraid of the same thing, when I was guilty of that very offense?
My therapist advised me it would be best to try leaving my daughter at home while I came for my appointment. But when she greeted me at the door, she didn’t seem as pleased. Limping my way over with the car seat in one hand, diaper bag in the other, was my way of showing her that where I went… my daughter went too. I was a mom, wearing these shoes for the first time. I was still getting used to the scabs behind my ankles and toes being squished together. My body was still leaking to the sound of a child’s cry – baby, toddler, it didn’t matter. There was no solid reason for me to leave my daughters side… not one that I wanted to hear, anyway. The separation anxiety was thriving to its fullest… but also turning into something I would not be able to control in the future. That was the main reason why I sat myself into the deep, round chair. But the only thing I saw was another person trying to tell me that what I was doing was wrong. The support was most definitely there, but the curtains were shading it enough to hide from the light. Again, alone.
I was asked a series of questions to find the core of my issues. Why didn’t I want to leave my daughter? Why was I feeling like I failed, only a couple of months in? I was in her presence, watching her take notes and occasionally check her phone. But all of her information was pouring out ofΒ my ears, because I just didn’t want to hear it. Whether it was walking to the mailbox, or pre-heating my car… I couldn’t do it unless my daughter was in my sight – At All Times. Suddenly, the opinions formed against me shrunk into tiny pieces of dust resting against the office floor. I didn’t care what others thought about me. If I was that crazy, psycho mom who brought her child everywhere… then so be it. I wasn’t a fan of going to therapy in the first place, so I surely wasn’t going to let her tell me what would be in my best interests. My mental health could wait – I just wanted to snuggle my daughter at home, without the germs, without the fear of not making it back safely disrrupting my smooth drive. Β
My initial thought of putting my mental health on hold proved to be a wrong action on my part. The tears in the middle of the night were not just from my daughter… they came from the silhouette hiding in the bathroom shower, trying to stay quiet enough so that she wouldn’t wake up for the tenth time that night. I was thrilled to have my daughter here, but the joy was so easily underlined with a weight in my stomach.
I wasn’t unhappy, but I wasn’t happy either.
The only people whom I thought would understand, were those who were moms themselves. But even then… my echoes were bouncing from wall to wall, and I was alone in the middle of the room –
accompanied by a chair that waited for my cushion.
I felt the same way when I first became a mom, so very anxious and not myself. It’s so important to ask for help and seek help.
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It is so important! Asking for help is a great first step, in itself.
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This is such a raw post, thank you for sharing all the aspects of motherhood with us x
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Thank you for reading!
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I was VERY anxious as a first time mom. It was less intense with my second and third but still there.
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I agree, with my son it was definitely there… but not nearly as overwhelming.
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Very honest and beautifully written. You are NOT alone and getting help is the best thing for both you and your daughter. You got this.
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Thanks so much!
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Thank you for sharing your real life! I still struggle with some anxiety that I began to have after having my second daughter. You are definitely not alone.
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The anxiety is there with my second child as well! Totally normal but super exhausting.
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Even though I am not a mother, I have my anxiety of going out of the house. You always write your blog post very beautifully and talk about something that is real with no filter.
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Thank you so much! I struggle with anxiety daily so itβs important to me to reach out to those who are as well, no matter the situation.
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How beautifully you have shared your emotions. To have the help & support is the best one can get while in the Motherhood phase. There no shame into it.
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Yes, getting help was super beneficial to me. Thank you so much!
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I hear you momma. so glad you got outside help. There’s no shame in needing to process in a different way. Glad you are so courageous!
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Thank you! Looking back at it now, I see that the help was always there!
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Being a mom isnβt easy. Anyone who thinks it is needs a reality check. But never lose yourself on the journey
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Very true!
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I feel like you’re writing about my life. Goodness being a mom is so tough, but it’s getting help or asking for help that is hard too. You write so beautifully, I know I say this every time!
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Aww thank you! I had a really hard time transitioning into motherhood for the first time. The anxiety is most definitely there now that I have two, but itβs not as strong! Iβve learned ways to cope with it.
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You are brave for putting yourself out there but kuddos to you!
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Thank you!
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Thank you for being so open and transparent being a mama and battling anxiety is tough! You are such a beautiful writer!
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Thank you! I appreciate it!
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I’m sorry about what you’ve been going through. I’m a guy so I definitely don’t have a chance at being a mom (though I’ll be a parent someday, too), so I can’t claim I understand all your pains. But I salute you for allowing yourself to be vulnerable through this blog. I wish you all the best.
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Thank you so much for the kind words!
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Big hugs hun! I felt the same thing as you, but didn’t go as far as seeing the professionals. I’m glad you stepped out and at least wanted to do something about it. It really is hard being a mum, but you’re a strong woman.
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Thank you! It was hard reaching out for help but it definitely helped me.
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Such a raw post, I totally get where you’re coming from! I was a very anxious first time mom, So glad you sought help, a very hard but important first step.
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Yes! It was hard but totally worth it!
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Thank you for sharing! Mental health needs to be talked MORE about!
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Yes it does! I will continue to raise awareness!
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As someone who struggles with mental health I can relate to this post. We always think we can manage on our own until we realize that we can’t.
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I agree! Itβs something I struggle with daily, and Iβm always trying to take control of things that I just canβt change.
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This is so touching. Very heart wrenching. Thank you for sharing such a personal story with us.
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Thank you for reading!
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Thanks for being so sincere and honest in all your posts! this is an awesome reflection of motherhood!
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Thank you so much!
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Lovely, raw, honest post. I canβt imagine how you feel, I hope motherhood gets better for you.
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It most definitely has! This is all in the past.
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you are amazing! I love the rawness of this post
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Thank you so much!
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I can’t wait to read more. I know I’ve said this before, but so much of what you’ve written in your story is simliar to how I felt.
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I appreciate it! Iβve been able to connect with a lot of mamas through my story and it truly feels amazing!
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So honest. I don’t have any children but your post is raw and emotional and I applaud you for sharing.
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Thank you for the kind words!
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Thank you for your honesty – I think you’re so brave! Each of us needs to tread our own paths and with our own choices, but sometimes a little helping hand can take us a long way….
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Thank you! It definitely pushed me to want to do better, and be better!
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I really appreciate your honesty and being able to talk openly share your experience. When I see young mothers, they are just smiling and playing with their young ones but you don’t know what they are going through. Really glad you reached out for help! π
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So true! A lot of things are internally happening and itβs so important to make sure we seek help when we need it!
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Reading This was as if i was listening to my sister in law during her first and second year as a mother, oh! she use to tell me everything about her life and how she thought the whole parenting thing is easy. The only thing i can say is that you are not going to get i right 100% but am sure your best will be good enough for your baby girl. Keep doing your best.
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Thank you! So crazy how all mamas can relate in some way or another!
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Very honest post thanks for sharing
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Thank you!
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It must be overwhelming becoming a parent, I canβt even imagine xx
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It definitely is, but also so amazing!
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